Daddy needs a new pair of shoes

New shoes. New shirts. New pants. I look like I walked right out of the JC Penny catalog... except for these blue suede shoes. Very cool.

I have on my list of Areas to set Aims/Goals/Objects, "Wardrobe". The clothes that I have I've been wearing for over two years. The jeans have holes, the shirts are thread-bare. I've put clothes shopping off and out of mind for this long so that I had plenty of mind space for worry and problems to fill my attention. I still have worry and problems, I'm just taking back the unnecessary mind space for other things.

Went to the mall last Saturday. I had been peeking on-line during the week, trying to get an idea of what was available where, what was out there, what I might like to put on and walk around in, and who was having sales. JC Penny had a good on-line price for some good pants for work (upgrade from jeans), so I headed there first. And I found the whole men's section in major clearance sale -- 70% on most items. Being there by myself and having plenty of time in my day, I felt very at ease browsing and browsing and selecting some satisfying items.

It is a special experience to find items that you are pleased to buy, which have been marked down from original price, then that price marked down, and then at the cash register the items get marked down even more! 6 shirts and a nice jacket, 6 pairs of casual/dress pants at super clearance price. Nice haul. Wearing them this week has been satisfying.

The fog that didn't quite burn off today.
Lafayette, Calif., 7:35am, January 25, 2007

Got my paycheck, it's my birthday...

Got my paycheck
It's my birthday
Gonna buy stuff
Got my paycheck

Weirdness with our new payroll system. And things other than its newness. Here I am holding a "make up" check that fixes an error. Good to have the money now.

Hey, congratulations! Got my paycheck!

Birds, refuge

Snow on Mt. Diablo
from Hwy 24, Lafayette, California, 12:45pm, January 17, 2006

After a strenuous effort this morning to remember all the details of my routine for getting ready and going to work, I discovered -- too late -- that I had forgot: (1) Ricola throat lozenge, (2) weekly planner, notebook, and current lunch reading ("Transformation", J.G. Bennett). I was leaving too late to drive and find a parking space at BART, so I left the car at home and walked to my Pleasant Hill BART station (1.7 mi.). Beautiful morning, and not overly cold. But once you get some distance from the starting point, when walking there is no turning back.

On the train I pulled out my old stand-by book, which I always have in my jacket: "Start Where You Are", by Pema Chödrön [Compassion Box edition]. I've read the book twice and I've thumbed through this pocket edition many times, randomly picking a reading to see what message I get for the day. The lojong slogan that came up was "When the world is filled with evil, Transform all mishaps into the path of bodhi". Here is a brief quote...

This is tricky business. What's the difference between seeing that harm has been done and blaming? Perhaps it is that rather than point the finger of blame, we raise questions: "How can I communicate? How can I help the harm that has been done unravel itself? How can I help others find their own wisdom, kindness, and sense of humor?" That's a much greater challenge than blaming and hating and acting out."

On my way from the train station to the office, I saw Elaine. As I mentioned below, on Tuesday Lynn said that Elaine had everything confiscated by CalTrans no thanks to her "friends" under the freeway. I went to buy a StreetSpirit from her, and when she saw me she started to cry. She seemed like she had given up when my familiar face showed up, tears gushed from her swolen, slit eyes. She'd been given two sleeping bags since Tuesday, had the best night sleep, and today was woken up by CHP, "Wake up sleeping beauty". Just total despair, no possibility in the moment for hope. I gave her a small amount of money, enough for food. She wanted my advice, should she go to this particular hospital. "What would stop you from going?". The stigma, she said. Bless her heart. I encouraged her: tell them "I need help, I cannot manage this by myself anymore." Her face lit up by my encouragement, she took off. I can only hope she gave herself a brief reprieve and felt she was worth asking for the help.

Lunch time, no book. But camera, I remembered my camera. Easy decision: head over to the bird refuge at Lake Merritt. On my walk, as I left our office building (Kaiser Center), I had a good view of the construction next door on the soon-to-be-landmark church.

21st and Harrison, Oakland, California
noon, January 18, 2007

It's been many months since I've headed into Lake Merritt park to see the birds. On the way we pass the Lawn Bowling activities, with a good view of the Kaiser Center in the backround (center building)...

Lawn Bowling, Lake Merritt, 12:10pm, January 18, 2007

Herons, Lake Merritt, 12:20pm, January 18, 2007

Ducks and Coots, Lake Merritt, 12:20pm, January 18, 2007

Goose, Lake Merritt, 12:20pm, January 18, 2007

Two Great Egrets and an Egyptian Goose, Lake Merritt, 12:10pm, January 18, 2007

Pelican, Lake Merritt, 12:30pm, January 18, 2007

Long day. I very much like the people I work with. My boss came in today after being out sick for two days, her voice is nearly gone. I plan to see a friend who works nearby tomorrow for a lunch-hour talk; I'm looking forwarding to catching up on what's been happening in his life lately. Tired on the train home. The walk from station to home went quick, twilight dark. Kim wanted to meet at the local Starbucks. We had decafs and honest talk. And refuge.

View of San Francisco from Kaiser Center
5:10pm, January 18, 2007

How can we share the dream with everyone?

Another frosty morning, below freezing again. My dwarf grapefruit looks beyond recovery, which it managed to do last winter. Too cold to sit in the running car while the windows defrost (I'm not walking!), but too frosted to see to drive. I've lost my ice scraper.

I saw my two street friends, Lynn and Elaine, this morning in Oakland on my way to the office. Icicles, they were. I saw Lynn at the end of the work-day, too. She said that today while Elaine was away, Caltrans came and cleaned out the under-the-overpass camp and none of her friends saved her possessions: pictures of her son, her wallet, her sleeping bag, etc. All gone. When you barely have anything to call your own, what you do have is precious. When you live on the streets, better not to have anything precious.

Lynn has been camping out in an abandoned building, but last night some crackheads came and took over, "They're like roaches." Consequently she had been walking since 2am this morning. How does she manage to smile at the people who walk by, how does she manage a friendly conversation with me?

This evening the cold turned to cold rain. I bet Mt. Diablo will have a little snow tomorrow morning.


I spent my lunch hour today at the Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Commemoration held in our office complex's auditorium. A modest but warm turn out. BART Director Carol Ward Allen gave a very personal keynote speech, recalling many important people of the Civil Rights Movement. Her speech and everyone's presence was a help to me, to be touched also, today, by the life and goals of the good Reverend Dr. King.

And so a prayer: May I always reflect the peace in my life, so that I might share the dream with you.

3-day weekend

Frosty Saab, last Friday morning, about 7:30 am. As a coastal California boy, this is about the most I can tolerate in cold weather. I've lived through snowy winters in Nevada, and there is plenty of snow in California, I'm merely unadjusted to more than freezing mornings. I don't understand how the birds and squirrels make it through this and the rain and so on. Not to mention the actual wild animals up in the hills behind us. It is amazing to think of them huddling up on a tree branch out in my back yard.

This week has brought news of 3 good acquaintances separating for divorce. Very difficult times, very sad situations. My heart is with them all.

Today I started a meditation class in the Walnut Creek/Lafayette area. This class is unusual in that it is based on Tibetan Buddhist traditions and being offered in this area. We are about 20 minutes east of Berkeley, where there are many Tibetan Buddhist organizations and practices offered (Mahayana and Vajrayana), but no others in this Mt. Diablo area (that I am aware of). There is a Zen monastery in the area. But that's Zen. (I plan to visit them in February.) This class is being given by an off-shoot of the Berkeley location of the New Kadampa Tradition. Last June I participated in the Refuge Ceremony at the NKT Saraha center in San Francisco. I am grateful for their generosity and availability, and I look forward to our next class, yet I have growing curiosity now about other traditions in the area and hope to visit more groups.

An interesting note about the meditation class: the community center room we use is surrounded by Sunday morning soccer kids and families, both outside on the field next to our room and also inside the building. The main lobby was filled with kids practicing and goofing around, where the frequent soccer ball banged against our large window-wall facing the lobby. Just the right environment for learning Tibetan Buddhist practices!

Quiet time has been filled with music yesterday and today. Not-so-quiet yet deeply reflective -- Beethoven's Middle String Quartets.


Just got in from having dinner with my son, just the two of us. We tried to go to Zachary's in Rockridge -- they were PACKED like a BART train! He took me to Lane Splitters on Telegraph: very cool, very North Oakland-Berkeley, very comfortable. Very good pizza, if you like that sort of food (they make their salad dressings, something I always appreciate). He's decided to make a big move this summer.

Tomorrow is the observance of Rev. Martin Luther King, Jr.'s birthday. I thank him for pointing out the compassionate view: no one is healed until everyone is healed. I am tired, calm. Full of vitamins. And pizza! Got my minimum chores done for today. I have an appointment in the early morning. Time for sleep.

Play on, Ludwig, play on...

Agenda, with a view

Some of my areas for personal learning, struggle, sacrifice, and help, as I see the year ahead from here...

• Service
• Music Practices
• Home
• Communication
• Relationships
• Reflection
• Property
• Fun
  
• Scheduling
• Places
  
• Professional Practices
• Curiosity
• Spiritual Practices
• Health and Hygiene
• Wardrobe(!)
  

I've been in touch with and visited my doctors. I've gotten a professional haircut and beardtrim. I'm eating healthy everyday in the "Very Good" grade. I've been using a FranklinCovey Weekly Planner. I carry a camera. I've been keeping a general notebook. And developing my journaling practice further with a Blog.

I've sacrificed something and found a definite, tangible freedom.

Morning clouds, Lafayette, California
7:30am, January 10, 2007

Morning fog, Oakland, California
8:15am, January 10, 2007

One moment it is clear and fresh, the next it is dense and opaque. Had that contrast in my personal affairs today as well as in the weather. I've begun to see that, again, I've slipped into depending on others to validate my thoughts and feelings, to give them control of how I am. And that power is rarely used on my behalf. I feel like a puppet; why do I allow that, what is my pay-off?

Tomorrow, please, gently.

Look what I found...

...willickers!...

Getting back into the swing of it.

Last vestige of the original farm, two blocks from my home
7:15am, January 8, 2007

This begins the first whole or real work-week of 2007. Difficult weekend, turmoil reflecting on my reactions and lack of thoughtful responses. What strikes me most is the coating of strained pride I put on some of those actions, which on reflection merely emphasizes what difficult and awkward experiences they were. My prayer today was to follow the moment forward and to allow me the compassion to touch these experiences in the present with wisdom. I am fortunate for all the good things I have, like the pleasure of walking to the BART station instead of driving on such a beautiful morning, and the pleasure of that simple, tangible nugget of the past in my neighborhood which I can touch with my eyes, heart and mind when I pass if I wish.

Home for a couple of Oakland street friends and their neighbors
10:00 am, January 8, 2007

An opposing scene is this view, from BART, of the freeway overpass in Oakland where a couple of street friends have lived for quite a while. I know that one of the two have recently removed themselves from this scene, but I'm not sure whether the other has left. From what I see and know, there about 10-15 people living here, mainly up the embankment on the ledge below the overpass. It is very cold out now and nights must be an extreme challenge. For most, this is a choice above the alternatives.

"We can’t fix the problems of the world, but we may deepen our practice."
Robert Fripp

Today I am powerless and my life has become unmanageable. But I am willing to believe there is a power greater than myself that can restore me to sanity. I could release my grip and turn my will and life over to the care of that higher power.

Challenges

The Hope Wall, Concord, California
10:30am, January 6, 2007

I had many challenges today. Challenges to serenity, challenges to understanding, challenges to compassion. Challenges to patience. I am resisting my tendency to judge the actions I took and consequent outcomes. At one point today, I glimpsed my recollections of the day with pride and shame removed, and the continuum seemed a kind of oscillating wave of up and down energy, alternately pulling and pushing Gs on the various objects strung through like lights for a Christmas tree. That was a very different, electric view to my day.

In the midst of an intense, face-to-face shouting match with a good (perhaps ex-) acquaintance today, there was a hummingbird flying between us and hovering at the feeder just above us. I saw the bird and the acquaintance, I heard the voice and wings.

New reading, "Researching Your Own Practice: The Discipline of Noticing" by John Mason. A past student of J.G. Bennett, and a mathematics teacher at the Open University in Britain.

From the preface: "To develop your professional practice means to increase the range and to decrease the grain size of the relevant things you notice, all in order to make informed choices as to how to act in the moment, how to respond to situations as they emerge.... The Discipline of Noticing provides a way of working against the tendency to forget, to not notice, to be so caught up in your own world that you fail to be sufficiently sensitive to possibilities."

It is always exciting when the post brings your book order. Kind of an arrow you shoot into the future and then, when the future comes, you find it landing at your feet -- thhhhup!

There are tremendous forces in nature that we wittingly and unwittingly submit to. Ultimately everything will pass away. When we can only find despair in the present, we desparately invest hope in the future. But the past and the future exist in now. We touch the past and the future in the present moment.

End of the first week

12:45pm, Wednesday, January 3, 2007
Approaching Acalanes Ridge on Deer Hill Road

be it ever so humble, my little cubicle

Beautiful views of Oakland sky,
Thursday, January 4, 2007

5:00pm, Friday, January 5, 2007
Lake Merritt, Oakland, California

Christmas Suggestions

Something from Kim that I like very much...

Christmas Suggestions
By Benjamin Franklin

The best thing to give an enemy is Forgiveness;
To an opponent, Tolerance;
To a Friend, your Ear;
To your child, a good Example;
To a Father, Reverence;
To your Mother, Conduct that will make her proud of you;
To Yourself, Respect;
And to all, Charity.

2007, back to work

Holidays and vacation are over. This is the view from a window in my office, facing southeast, yesterday morning (Tuesday) at about 8:15am. Almost forgot my network password -- that's a good vacation!

On the drive to the BART station I saw some stirring views of the morning light on the hills, and tried to take some pictures as I drove. When I looked at the pictures they all seemed emotionally flat. You see with your mind not your eye. The special experience of driving over Deer Hill Road and the panorama that spreads out below is totally lost in this example.

The days are now very busy for me, or at least feel that way since last week. What's happened is now I squeeze all my personal activities into a few hours before and after work. I need to keep clarifying and refining my aims, goals, and objectives to work a better schedule and to identify priority activities (as I see it at the moment). Time is neither for nor against us... or is it? I've heard comments that time is an abstraction created in the human mind and doesn't actually exist in nature, at least not as we perceive it. If it is purely from our minds, then our motivation/intentions regarding time could be for or against us. When you squeeze time it gets wiggly.