Change

Sunset on Carquinez Strait, April 23, 2009

The topic with my friends tonight was, "Change, as in: accepting what you cannot change, courage to change what you can, and wisdom to know the difference". I heard many personal lessons about this topic tonight, and my own experience came into focus as only good-listener friends can do to your mind.

Kim is gone. She was here just a short while ago. I can feel the slight breeze from her opening the door and shutting it behind her. But that's not the case at all. Kim is gone three weeks now. All my plans for change up until that day must change. I've got to see what's in front of me, to face the reality of what's here now, and I've got to do it all without Kim.

There are many positive aspects to my current situation. My health is good, thank goodness! Our son is wonderful, thanks to him! I've got a good job, the house is workable, I can pay the mortgage, the car is running, I have many good and close friends. I have reasons to view the future as offering positive potentials, I've got choices where I recently seemed to only have compulsions. I just have to do this without Kim.

All things considered, on this day, Kim's death and absence is in reality an Earth-cracking change in my life. Thankfully my space is not crushed with despair, instead it is open to and suffused with deep sadness. She so enriched my life that I feel I will be sad to be without her until my very last moment. I have felt the sadness these weeks but overlooked and crowded it with my previous schemes and activities and intentions. But that's changed. I am comforted knowing there'll be more change to come.

May this change's message be one of healing.

[3 x 7 days]