Two weeks

Quiet
by Paul Simon

I am heading for a time of quiet
When my restlessness is past
And I can lie down on my blanket
And release my fists at last

I am heading for a time of solitude
Of peace without illusions
When the perfect circle
Marries all beginnings and conclusions

And when they say
That you're not good enough
Well the answer is
You're not
But who are they
Or what is it
That eats at what you've got
With the hunger of ambition
For the change inside the purse
They are handcuffs on the soul, my friends
Handcuffs on the soul
And worse

I am heading for a place of quiet
Where the sage and sweetgrass grow
By a lake of sacred water
From the mountain's melted snow

I need to talk today, personally. Where I am at, what is now happening.

Intrusive thoughts are being triggered by other people's word here, word there. Hospital, yard-sale, meeting. People are talking about other matters, their matters, and I am listening normally, but for me, very distractingly, up comes the difficult images and recollections when certain words are transmitted. A word is enough of a prick when you are tender. New scab, weak membrane, strains to cover the wound.

Out to lunch. It's Friday. The friendly gang make arrangements and off we go to Barney's on Piedmont. Nice, sitting on the patio this beautiful and cool spring day. Talk of business, union and mgmt scuttlebutt, office gossip. Just what I hoped for. Find myself laughing, cursing with the rest of them, talking about food and busy waitress. Where's the salt and pepper, no salt and pepper? Flash, hospital emergency room. Having fun? No one at home to discuss this question with, to wonder out loud, "Should I not be like this?" She has answered all our remaining questions with one message. What was she saying, and was she saying it to us or to who...?

I'm gaining weight again. I've lost 20 pounds since January, now I can feel it building back up just since Wednesday morning. Cravings on the edge of my attention.

What attachment is holding me back? From where does it come? Snagged. Let go. Let the wheel keep turning without friction, without rough sparks. I've had enough sparks. Rumination, my old companion, sit and have some Assam with me. Clarity, let go of the source, realize the insubstance of this. Please help me.

Preceded by perception are mental states,
For them is perception supreme,
From perception have they sprung.
If, with perception polluted, one speaks or acts,
Thence suffering follows
As a wheel the draught ox's foot.

Preceded by perception are mental states,
For them is perception supreme,
From perception have they sprung.
If, with tranquil perception, one speaks or acts,
Thence ease follows
As a shadow that never departs.

(The One Thus Gone, opening verses of the Dhammapada)

What a relief to be asked a question, to be asked for help. Whether or not I can deliver the answer, I can respond with service. The ease of saying "Yes, let's work on it" is a balm that calms my mind and soothes my aches. The miracle of "We" has many benefits, sometimes tranquility is one.

Never alone again, never alone before.

More later. More to come.

[2 x 7 days]