Today Is All We Got

Tired. Spiritually tired. Like an underground river, my confusions and conflicts flow. A lifetime of ignoring or mistaking my source, of thinking I could be happy if you said so and not until you did. Whoever you've been, and there have been many, kind and unkind and every other way, who have built me up or let me down, I hung on every bit of it. Hung myself indeed.

And yet I don't have a sense of regret. After all these years it has always been just my best attempt on that day, at that time. I was there with me, and even if my closest did not support me, I still understood.

Tired. This underground river has a gravity of its own, waves pulling me in its direction. Why else would I do the same things expecting some other result? This time. No, always the same result. Old reactive habits, old responses still find their way to the surface, less and less about today, less and less about yesterday.

And yet I don't have a sense of regret. After all these years it has always been just my best attempt on that day, at that time. I was there with me, and even if my closest did not support me, I still understood.

Spiritually tired. Sometimes my life doesn't seem real, this disconnect between were I plan to go and where I am anyways going. I look about my life, at the matters and materials, and they almost seem made-up. Like a dream image of what I wished had been, in fine detail with stories attached. And something simple, like a paper cut, brings me back to this moment. A clear, sunny day with a cool breeze. I'm barely here.

And yet I don't have a sense of regret. After all these years it has always been just my best attempt on that day, at that time. I was there with me, and even if my closest did not support me, I still understood.

No need to promise anything
Why would I do that
When all I want is heaven
And heaven's where your at
heaven's where your at

Gordon Haskell

All of my loved ones and everyone who's given me the time of day, on one today: please forgive me my trespasses. Just for today, it's all we got.